Good morning ladies. I so enjoyed this week’s story. Setting healthy boundaries has become a way of life for me. I have learned to set healthy boundaries for myself, our home, and my children and weed out the negativity in our life. I am willing to help out but I am not willing to allow my helping out to control my life either. I have a new found freedom to do what I want and when I want.
Having a friend is a blessing. However, in some friendships there is a downside to them if you allow that friend to run you into the ground. This week’s story shows a downside to friendship. Both friends have the same amount of kids in the same age group. One friend volunteers all the time at her children’s school. You will find her in the nurse’s office applying ice packs, next straightening collars for school pictures, or putting together the school directory and stenciling the lunch room. The other friend work’s from home, allowing her the flexibility to get her work done on her own timing.
Everything started out innocently (doesn’t it normally start out innocent). Mom A (who lived in the town for a long time) called Mom B (new friend who just moved into town) to chat. As the conversation went on mom A asked mom B to help out with the book fair or baseball registration. Mom A would proceed with telling mom B how lucky she was to work from home – what a great benefit this is for your children. This seemed to be a great advantage to mom A. Of course over time mom A always took on more then she should have and she counted on mom B to pickup the slack.
As time went on, mom B’s being at home became more of a disadvantage to her and the kids. Her free time was filled helping out mom A. Mom B dreaded hearing her voice on the phone.
Looking back over the year’s mom B realized that she always said yes to helping out who ever asked. Her favorite word was “if you can’t find anyone else, then I will do it.” They never did find anyone else and she was helping out again.
There was no one else to balance for the character trait mom B had. Her mom knew when to say “NO I cannot help out this time.” Her mom did raise four daughters, taught grade school for more then 20yrs, at one point and time managed to be a Brownie Leader, Sunday school teacher, and a room mom. Everything was done on her terms.
Her mother used a polite way to saying NO, “That won’t work out for me.” Her mom would repeat herself again if the individual kept persisting for her help. All sisters would laugh at their mom when she would say, “not at this time,” now being older they are all understanding why their mom said that.
You do not have to give an explanation as to why you cannot help out. You owe them nothing. Just say NO
Turning 40, mom B gained a backbone. (she gained a voice)
Mom A called asking mom B if she would help out with the pizza sale. Mom B was swamped with work and other home projects. The key phrase came out smoothly, “sorry, it just won’t work out for me.” Amazingly, mom A totally understood and found someone else to help her out. The pizza sale went well without mom B’s help.
All along mom B realized that she did have a choice to make. Say yes or say No. Nobody can take advantage of you unless you allow them too.
Life Lesson #3 – Set Limits
Creating a life you love you have to create healthy limits. Before setting limits with people you have to understand your boundaries for yourself. You need to know what you need, how you feel, and what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Yes, this is a tall order to fill since we women have been conditioned to be selfless. Being selfless allows others to come in and walk all over you if you do not have boundaries. (There is nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries for you)
Learn to set your own limits. First, you need to understand your feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment. “Anger often signals that you aren’t getting your needs met, or that you’re overextended. Your feelings of frustration and resentment, which are anger’s first cousins, let you know that you’ve compromised or sacrificed too much of yourself.” These feelings will often define who you are and what your life becomes. You need to find a balance in your life that benefits you and then others. When you get angry and you pay attention to your anger – this can motivate you to make clear and healthy boundaries. “If you’re going to live a high – quality life, you have to awaken a healthy self-protectiveness and find a balance between the needs of others and your own.”
Things you will run into wile making healthy boundaries are those few friends who do not like change. For them there is nothing wrong with the way things are now. They have you just the way they want you. For most people they resist change. Don’t let them control your new boundaries. Hopefully, your friends and family will realize that you are taking care of yourself and begin to accept your new boundaries.
Remember when you set your boundaries they can be adjusted at anytime. You will realize that you have reduced the amount of stress in your life and have more time to do the things you enjoy.
Ask yourself these three questions next time someone asks for you to do something –
1) What can I reasonably and joyfully do?
2) What am I willing to do?
3) What do I want to do?
I hope you all have enjoyed this new found freedom for your life. Happy healthy setting boundaries to you all
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